Bill was on his way to the hospital and I was on my way back to a waiting room. Once I was in the waiting room, I was bombarded with people. I think, at one point, I had 6 people in there all asking me questions. This was definitely more choatic than the first D&C.
They got me hooked up to an IV and administered the anesthesia. I remember being wheeled out of the room and down a hall. From there I have no idea what happened. I don't even remember waking up from the surgery.
After everything was done, Bill loaded Carter and I into the car and we were on our way home. I just wanted to eat (I hadn't had anything since dinner the night before) and sleep. We were all looking forward to some sleep.
A couple of days later (August 23rd), I had an appointment with my Ob/Gyn. It took them a little while before they got me back to be seen. It turns out that the ultrasound tech wasn't sure why I was being seen and was trying to get all of my paperwork together. She thought I was following up the original D&C, she didn't know I had an emergency one.
Anyway, after explaining the whole situation to her, I got an ultrasound done to make sure EVERYTHING was gone from my uterus. And thank goodness, it looked like it was.
After some more waiting, I met with my doctor. She was very apologetic about the whole situation. She was positive that she had gotten everything on the first D&C and that she did it on the correct side. They even reviewed the original ultrasounds to see if they had missed something. A substitute ultrasound tech had done my original transvaginal ultrasound so they had contacted her to make sure she was positive she had done it correctly. I guess if you get the "wand" turned upside down then it will flip the image on the screen. She was sure she had done it correctly.
Well looking at the ultrasound pictures a little closer, they made a discovery. She was correct in that the first pregnancy had been in the right side of my uterus. She had gotten a shot of my left side as well. In that picture, they saw a dark circle in my uterus, which my doctor said could have been a gestational sac forming. If this is true, then I was pregnant with twins that were conceived 4 weeks apart! We are not 100% sure this is what happened. My doctor stated that it is one of many possibilities, but it is what makes sense to me. My doctor said that she has had the hospital mess up on previous D&Cs she has done before. They have sent off the blood to pathology rather than the tissue. That would explain why the pathology report came back saying there was no "conceptual byproduct".
To make sure I was not pregnant, I had to go in once a week to get my HCG levels tested until they reached zero. It took three weeks of getting my blood tested before I was no longer considered pregnant.
Such craziness! We are not sure exactly what happened. I could have been pregnant with twins conceived 4 weeks apart or it could be an even greater mystery. I guess we will never know. I do know this, it has been a very difficult situation for me. I constantly ask myself why, what, how. "Why did this happen to me?" "What did I do wrong?" "What could I have done differently?" "How could this happen to me?" I also wondered where my miracle was in all of this. I had been told there would be a miracle. All I found was heartache.
Today is the eve of my due date and though it has gotten a bit easier, it still hurts. I have been struggling with the fact that I am still grieving and get choked up about it. I have constant reminders that I am not having a baby. There are 2 women in my neighborhood/ward that are due within the next couple of weeks and I have had to watch their bellies grow while mine does not. I have had to hear of others exciting news while I, myself, have a broken heart. I do find comfort in the fact that these women do not know my pain and I hope they never will.
I have learned from all of this. I have always wondered how women who already have children can grieve that they are struggling to have more. Why couldn't they be happy that they already had kids? I now understand. Wanting more children does not mean you love your child/children less, in a way it means you love them more. I also learned that it is okay that I am still grieving. We all handle things in our own way and our own time. I prayed wondering what was wrong with me and how I could get through this. I received my answer in the Febraury 2013 Ensign (I swear most of those articles were written for me), more specifically the articles called "I Can Decide","The Refining Fire Of Grief" and "Lifting The Hands Which Hang Down". Reading these articles brought me some peace and made me realize that I was okay to still grieve, but I also needed to move beyond myself.
Now you may be wondering if I ever got my miracle out of this. In a way, I did. Or should I say Bill did. After the first D&C, I went to Boise and Bill went to Idaho Falls. He was struggling with the loss and decided he wanted to be around family. Bill's uncle Ellis was in the hospital and had declining health. Bill was able to go visit him and see him one last time before he passed away a short time later. Had we not had the miscarriage, Bill would have never gotten that time to spend with his uncle.
My heart aches everyday that I don't get to have my little one, but I know one day I will. As time passes, it will get easier and more days will pass between each thought. While I grieve the loss of a little one who I did not know, I cherish the little one that is currently filling my home with love, laughter, and life. Until next time...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment