Anyway, it has almost been two years since I last wrote on this blog and it took me about 30 minutes to figure out how to sign in. A lot has happened in the last two years and I am not going to be able to cover it all, but I will try and document some of it.
I want to start by talking about the HARDEST thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I have never had anything affect me quite like this experience has.
About eight months ago (June 27, 2012), I was overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant. It was not planned, but I was ecstatic! I couldn't stop smiling and I couldn't wait for Bill to get home so I could share the news with him. As the day dragged on, I got more and more excited. Bill finally got home and I just about blurted it out. Instead, I composed myself and asked him a simple math question. "When does 1+1=4?" He looked at me bewildered and I said, "when Carter is going to be a big brother". He still didn't get it and I had to show him the pregnancy test. He was still a little confused, but things finally clicked. As I said, it was not planned so his thinking was nowhere in the pregnancy atmosphere. Once it sank in, he was as happy as I was, or at least he said so.
Well the happiness would soon come crashing down. A week and a half later, our world would begin to change forever. It was a Saturday and I laid down to take a nap while Bill went car shopping. I'm not sure how long it had been, but Bill arrived at the house with a car to test drive. I was feeling fine, but by the time I reached the car I felt a gush of warmth. I felt my capris and when I looked at my hand, it was saturated in blood. I started to panic! I didn't know what to do, I had never gone through this before. We hadn't told anybody I was pregnant so I didn't know who to call. I finally called the on-call doctor from my Ob/Gyn's office and explained to him what was going on. He said it was likely a miscarriage, but they wouldn't know for sure until I got checked out. He said to call the office on Monday and get an ultrasound appointment. I then called my mom and broke the news to her. Not exactly the way I wanted her to find out. She didn't know what I was experiencing, but I needed to cry to somebody (sorry Bill, but men don't really understand).
That night, after a lot of crying, I finally asked Bill for a blessing. I knew I needed to find comfort somewhere and what better person, but my Heavenly Father. I was told in the blessing that everything would be fine and that the baby was whole and healthy. I was also told that there would be a miracle in all of this. Hearing the words of the blessing brought me some peace. As Bill and I went to bed that night, I began to cry. I told him that I knew the baby was whole and healthy, but we don't know if that was to be here on Earth or in Heaven. I had a feeling that something was not right. I couldn't explain it, but I just knew.
Come Monday, I made an appointment for an ultrasound for the next day. I still had bleeding, but not to the extent that had occured on Saturday. Tuesday, I went in and had an ultrasound done. They were able to find the baby and a heartbeat. The heartbeat was 101, which is low since it is usually 120-180. The tech said not to worry that sometimes it can be lower this early in the pregnancy. She "examined" my entire uterus, but was not able to determine the source of the bleeding. She also gave me an ultrasound picture of the baby. Here it is (the little white dot in the big black spot):
It is not much, but it was my baby. At the end of the appointment, I was scheduled for another ultrasound for the following week.
I went throughout the week as normal as can be, but was still spotting and still worried. Over the weekend, I picked up my niece and nephew to have them come visit. It was nice having them because it took my mind off of things.
On Wednesday, I went in for my follow up ultrasound. The ultrasound tech found the baby, did some measuring and then checked for the heartbeat. This time there wasn't one. I immediately began to cry. She then went to get a doctor and he confirmed her findings. According to her measurements, the baby had died within a day of the last ultrasound. I then had to wait until my doctor got to the office so we could discuss what to do next.
In the time that I waited, I called Bill and my mom to break the news to them. Bill left work and came to the doctor's office. I could tell by the look on his face, he was as devastated as I was about the loss. My doctor finally got there and we were given three options. 1. Let the baby pass naturally. 2. Use a pill that is supposed to help move things along. 3. Get a D&C (dialation & curettage). The first two options could result in having to get a D&C so we decided it was our best option. I was scheduled to go to the hospital that night.
Since this is a long post, I will continue the story in another post on another day. Till next time...
